Raw Deal - Raw recap for December 29, 1997

Before the next match, The Artist Formerly Known As Goldust is dressed as Baby New Year, carrying a rattle and drinking out of an oversized baby bottle. Goldust wishes everyone a happy new year on behalf of himself and Luna Vachon, and says he is putting his name in the "1988 Royal Rumble." He knows that "Stone Cold" Steve Austin will also be in the Royal Rumble match, and is saying that he is the toughest S.O.B. in the World Wrestling Federation. Goldust says he is the toughest S.O.B., not Austin, and that he will prove it tonight. After spanking Steve Austin's ass, he's got a present for him as well. He pulls out a pair of black panties from his diaper and tells Austin they can play dress-up, with him being Austin's Barbie girl and Austin being his big Ken. He tells Austin to drive himself the ring in his little pink Corvette so they can get it on. Austin gets in the ring and grabs the microphone, and Austin talks about how he was paralyzed earlier this year, before saying that he's still here and that the language, fingers and violence will continue into 1998. He tells Goldust he won't wrestle him tonight, and instead says he has a gift for him. As Austin insults Goldust and says he does what he wants, when he wants, something comes down from the roof. Once it's low enough, Austin pulls on a cord to drag it towards the ring and it eventually lands there. After a ring worker unhooks it from the roof, Austin pulls the black cover off of it to reveal it is a port-a-potty. He says 4 out of 5 construction workers agreed it stinks like hell as they passed by it outside, and asks the crowd to give him a "hell yeah" if they agree. Goldust tries to get in the ring and attack him from behind the port-a-potty, but Austin sees it coming and slams the port-a-potty door before he lays him out and tosses him in the port-a-potty. He then says that's exactly where you go when you mess with Steve Austin. Goldust gets out of the port-a-potty, but Austin gives him a Stone Cold Stunner, pushes him back in and then pushes the port-a-potty over. Austin then stands on top of it and says that's the first commode full of whup-ass he's ever opened, and it's not the last. Austin then grabs a bottle of baby powder at the apron and tosses it into the ring before leaving.

It is noted that a wooden crate is on the stage.

The Disciples of Apocalypse (Skull, 8-Ball, Chainz) beat Los Boricuas (Savio Vega, Miguel Perez, Jesus Castillo Jr.) in a Long Island Brawl despite interference from Jose Estrada after Savio Vega accidentally kicks Jesus Castillo Jr. in the head from the apron. During the match, it is announced that Crush has decided not to be in the WWF anymore after being attacked by Kane. (In reality, he left partially due to the Montreal Screwjob.)

"Triple H" Hunter Hearst Helmsley and Chyna are in the ring, and Triple H is seen with his leg in a cast and two crutches in his hands. He is sorry to inform everyone that he will not be able to defend the WWF European Championship last night, as he dislocated his kneecap last night during a match. He tells Owen Hart he will have to wait for him to stomp his guts in. He tells The Undertaker that "The Heartbreak Kid" Shawn Michaels isn't here tonight as he is at home with a 102-degree fever and "is shivering and sweating and has the sick thing going." He tells The Undertaker he will have to wait until Royal Rumble to rest in pieces. The Undertaker's music hits, but instead of The Undertaker, out comes a few druids wheeling out a casket. All of a sudden, Triple H says there's one thing left to do: break it down. "The Heartbreak Kid" Shawn Michaels comes out of the casket, which is covered in DX-related graffiti. Shawn says that D-Generation X (Shawn, Triple H, Chyna) would like to bring in the new year with style, and if it were up to the WWF, they'd have him roll out in a casket with "two skanks," but since he takes only the finest women, one of whom is in Venice, California, he'd rather come out alone than with "two ugly bimbos." He then introduces the two new members of D-Generation X: Chyna's breasts. Shawn says Chyna is not only the toughest woman in the WWF, but "the breast damn woman in town." Triple H says that if Chyna had a nipple for every time someone said she was "the breast damn woman here," she'd be a millionaire and they'd have to change their name to "Double D-Generation X." Shawn tells Owen Hart he is lucky that Triple H is lucky, but in due time, he will be better and rid the World Wrestling Federation of "that tiny little nugget." At Royal Rumble, The Undertaker will fail to beat him after a third chance, which he has given him out of the goodness of his heart. Shawn talks to Chyna's breasts, saying she understands her and that he can talk to her, but Chyna tells him "eyes up here." Shawn then looks at the camera and says 1998 will be the year of D-Generation X, and absolutely nobody is going to crash their party. WWF Commissioner Sgt. Slaughter shows up, and Shawn and Triple H make fun of Slaughter's gut. Slaughter orders Shawn to defend the WWF Championship against Owen Hart tonight before wishing DX a happy new year.

The Disciples of Apocalypse (Skull, 8-Ball, Chainz), The Headbangers (Thrasher and Mosh), Scott Taylor and Flash Funk plot against Kane in the locker room.

"Thea World's Most Dangerous Man" Ken Shamrock beats Kama Mustafa with the ankle lock after Faarooq distracts the referee only for D'Lo Brown to accidentally kick Kama Mustafa in the side of the head from the apron. After the match, "The Rock" Rocky Maivia, finally shows up and says he has received a lot of fan mail and phone calls asking how he feels about he elderly and Social Security, and says that as long as his pockets are lined with green, he doesn't give a damn about either of those things. He tells Shamrock that he thought he was lucky, but after tonight, he's lucky as hell. Next week, the luck streak will run out, as Shamrock will come face-to-face with Faarooq, who is amazed by this statement. He tells Shamrock that he has seven days before he gets his bad ass kicked. He tells D'Lo and Kama to know their role, and tells Faarooq to head to the back. Faarooq is still staring a hole through The Rock even after this.

In footage form earlier today, Vince McMahon says that the seats around him will be filled by WWF fans. As WWF looks back on the year 1997, the WWF thanks the fans for all the moments they've shared together while committing that 1998 will be the most action-packed year ever. Vince then says "As the old saying goes: you ain't seen nothin' yet."

Before the next match, Jerry "The King" Lawler is in the ring with "Too Sexy" Brian Christopher. Lawler can't believe that he and Christopher have to face Taka Michinoku and a mystery partner tonight, but at the same time, they don't care who it is. Lawler also says that Christopher's father is none other than Jim Ross, and that Christopher will be refereed to as "Good Ol' B.C." After Taka shows up, it is announced that his mystery partner is George "The Animal" Steele, who immediately chases Lawler and Christopher out of the ring before tearing up two turnbuckles.

Jerry "The King" Lawler and "Too Sexy" Brian Christopher beat Taka Michinoku and George "The Animal" Steele by disqualification when Steele uses a foreign object to counter one being used by Lawler. After the match, The Animal grabs a drink container from underneath the ring and throws it at referee Jimmy Korderas.

The wooden crate on the stage has started to move...

The intro to War Zone plays to signal the start of the second hour.

The New Age Outlaws ("Road Dog" Jesse James and "Bad Ass" Billy Gunn) show up in New York Rangers jersey and with hockey sticks in their hands. We then see a video package of their "greatest hits," where they gloat about injuring Dude Love and putting Mankind in a walk-in freezer. All of a sudden, Dude Love's music plays, then Dude Love appears on the TitanTron. He says they broken his ribs and his heart, and that they did not play by the rules. He announces he will step down and let another man do the fighting for him. Dude Love then transforms into Mankind, and says he has been looking forward to this moment. His body may have thawed out, but his heart remains frozen, which is bad news for The New Age Outlaws. He then realizes that they may not have committed a crime, but instead gave him a favor, because it's all starting to make sense. They're on Raw in Long Island, New York, and he's finally home. He transforms into Cactus Jack, and says he's going to kick their asses. He also tells Mrs. Foley that he's not alone and has help in the form of "Chainsaw Charlie." Cactus Jack then shows up with a barbed wire baseball bat, and The New Age Outlaws immediately go to town on him. It doesn't take long until Cactus Jack puts both men in the Mandible Claw, and the match starts.

Cactus Jack beats The New Age Outlaws ("Road Dog" Jesse James and "Bad Ass" Billy Gunn) by disqualification after the match continues to spiral out of control. After the match, Cactus Jack dares The New Age Outlaws to follow him, and the fight goes to the stage. After Cactus Jack sends Jesse James into the wooden crate, a chainsaw starts cutting through the crate. Inside is Chainsaw Charlie, who chases after The New Age Outlaws with a chainsaw. The New Age Outlaws have no choice but to run away.

Sable shows up, and it is announced that Sable is on split covers of the newest issue of Raw Magazine, available on newsstands tomorrow. She is proud of the new swimsuit issue available, and decides to give the fans a preview of what to expect. "Marvelous" Marc Mero shows up with a steel chair in his hands as Sable is about to disrobe, and asks her if she would do anything to humiliate him. Sable says "no," and Mero says people came here to see him wrestler, not to see her take her clothes off. Kevin Kelly tells Mero to take it easy, but Mero tells Sable that she'd be nothing without him and calls Kevin Kelly "a third-string announcer" before hitting him with a low blow. Mero then yells at Sable again, then Tom Brandi gets in the ring and strikes Mero from behihnd before helping Sable out of the ring. Mero then hits Tom Brandi from behind with the steel chair before hitting him with the TKO and stuffing the cover of the new Raw Magazine down his throat and a picture of Sable from the magazine in his trunks. Mero then says that if he sees any more posters, pictures or magazine covers of Sable, he'll do to the entire crowd what he did to Brandi. He then says that he is the star of this show.

The Disciples of Apocalypse (Skull, 8-Ball, Chainz), The Headbangers (Thrasher and Mosh), Scott Taylor and Flash Funk are seen heading into the ring...

The Disciples of Apocalypse (Skull, 8-Ball, Chainz), The Headbangers (Thrasher and Mosh), Scott Taylor and Flash Funk are in the ring. Chainz grabs the microphone and tells Kane that if he thinks The Undertaker has burned him, then they haven't been burned by The Disciples of Apocalypse and everyone else in the ring. Chainz then calls Kane out so they can put his fire out. Kane and Paul Bearer show up, then The Undertaker follows suit. Kane and The Undertaker stare down, then they suddenly join forces and fight off all seven men. They then stare down again, and The Undertaker leaves the ring. Paul Bearer is shocked, as is Jim Ross and Jerry "The King" Lawler. The Undertaker then speaks into the camera, saying he will not fight Kane and that he will burn in Hell before he does.

Michael Cole interviews The New Age Outlaws ("Road Dog" Jesse James and "Bad Ass" Billy Gunn) backstage, who are more worried about Chainsaw Charlie than they are about their tag team title defense against The Legion of Doom (Road Warrior Animal and Road Warrior Hawk) at Royal Rumble. The buzzing sound of a chainsaw is heard, and a chainsaw cuts through the door to the locker room. Cole and the Outlaws run for the hills while Cactus Jack and Chainsaw Charlie look for the Outlaws.

Jim Cornette talks about the state of the wrestling industry in 1998. He says the state of wrestling stinks. He says the WCW and nWo stinks, that ECW is embarrassing and that the WWF stinks. He talks about The Artist Formerly Known As Goldust and Luna Vachon dressed up as a Christmas tree and a reindeer, respectively, as well as "The Heartbreak Kid" Shawn Michaels and "Triple H" Hunter Hearst Helmsley "showing their buttcheeks on national TV and having a phony match for a championship." He says that nobody has respect for wrestling anymore and asks where wrestling - not "sports entertainment" - is. Just a couple of years ago, he left Tennessee and moved to Connecticut to work in the WWF full-time, which he compares to "trading a Hawaiian vacation for a bed in the cancer ward." He talks about how in Connecticut, there is snow seven months out of the year, there are real estate prices that would make Donald Trump's hair stand on end, and there is the rudest bunch of people he's ever seen where English is a second language and traffic jams occur at four o'clock in the morning. Over the last couple of years, however, he says he hasn't seen any wrestling. He admits there are plenty of great wrestlers in the WWF, but they don't have any time to wrestle due to everything else going on. He says the problem is that "a game show host from Minneapolis with phony hair, phony teeth and a phony tan" is running WCW while the WWF is run by Yankees up north in Connecticut who wouldn't know a wrestling match if it bit them as they sit around all day listening to fans on the Internet who wouldn't know a wrist lock from a wrist watch. He doesn't care what some Yankee from New York City wants to see; he wants to see wrestling matches with wrestlers. He wants to see real, old-fashioned wrestling and people with respect for the traditions of the wrestling industry and the sport of wrestling in general. He doesn't want to see sports entertainment and flying donkey all around. He thinks it's garbage, insulting and a shame to a fine sport. Down South, they know wrestling and grew up on it and respected it. He says it's about time that the promoters in today's industry realize that wrestling fans watching a wrestling program want to see wrestlers wrestle. The problem is that nobody has respect for tradition like he does, and says he has always been associated with real, good, old-fashioned wrestling and not a circus sideshow. If nobody else wants to bring wrestling over here, then maybe it's going to be up to him. He says it might as well be his New Year's resolution for 1998 to bring tradition and real wrestling back to the WWF.

Sunny shows up and shows off her cover for the newest issue of Raw magazine, as well as a fold-out poster of her in a swimsuit. It is then announced that former world heavyweight boxing championship "Iron" Mike Tyson has started negotiations to appear at WrestleMania 14 on March 29th in Boston, Massachusetts. Details of his WrestleMania appearance will be elaborated on when updates are available.

Owen Hart beats "The Heartbreak Kid" Shawn Michaels by disqualification after "Triple H" Hunter Hearst Helmsley hits Owen Hart with one of his crutches and continues to do so. The referee is knocked down as the match ends. "The Heartbreak Kid" Shawn Michaels retains the WWF Championship.