Raw Deal - Raw recap for April 1, 2013

John Cena starts off tonight's show in Washington, DC. He's ready to conquer The Rock, and he doesn't want to lose again. Cena says that The Rock will finally lose the WWE Championship at WrestleMania. He also has no intent of reverting the WWE title to its previous "spinner belt" incarnation, either, and hold it as proof of being better than Rocky.

Big Show, Sheamus and Randy Orton beat 3MB (Heath Slater, Jinder Mahal and Drew McIntyre). The Shield (Dean Ambrose, Seth Rollins and Roman Reigns) show up, congratulate them, and tell them to wait until WrestleMania when they'll lose.

Zeb Colter and Jack Swagger are in Washington, DC. They explain to us that America has become weak, and that Swagger will become the next World champion.

Matt Striker interviews Alberto Del Rio. He plans to do something about Jack Swagger at WrestleMania...and Zeb Colter tonight!

Dolph Ziggler beats Daniel Bryan thanks to AJ Lee's interference. Big E Langston obliterates D-Bry, but Kane saves the day...almost. When Kane tries to choke slam Big E, E breaks loose and obliterates Kane. AJ, Dolph and E stand over D-Bry and Kane with the tag team titles.

Shawn Michaels is here! The Heartbreak Kid aka "Mr. WrestleMania" is here for Triple H vs. Brock Lesnar. Triple H sshows up. Shawn Michaels tells Triple H that his opponent is different from HBK's. Undertaker may have respected HBK, but Lesnar doesn't give a damn about Triple H. Triple H thinks Shawn's trying to talk him out of it, but Michaels says he wants his friend to kick Lesnar's ass, and he'll be in his corner at WrestleMania. Brock Lesnar shows up with Paul Heyman. Heyman talks about how disappoiting Triple H will be at WrestleMania before saying that he is committing "professional suicide."

The Miz guests on commentary for the next match.

Wade Barrett beats Zack Ryder.

Santino Marella is back for the first time since Royal Rumble! He tells Vickie Guerrero and Brad Maddox that Vince McMahon is here and that he's in a foul mood...and that it's an April Fool's joke. Vickie Guerrero turns the joke around and puts Santino Marella in a match...and it's next!

Santino Marella finds out his opponent is "The World's Strongest Man" Mark Henry.

"The World's Strongest Man" Mark Henry destroys Santino Marella in mere seconds. Ryback shows up, but Mark Henry has the mic and reminds him of the no-contact clause. Ryback grabs Santino, bumps Santino into him, then throws the poor guy into Mark Henry from inside the ring!

Matt Striker interviews CM Punk, who doesn't care about Paul Bearer's memory or the fact that he's disrespecting it. He wants to get in Undertaker's head and beat him at WrestleMania.

As Alberto Del Rio fights Zeb Colter, Jack Swagger goes after Ricardo Rodriguez! Colter grabs Ricardo's raised crutch, and Del Rio goes after Swagger. This gives Colter the time to strike Del Rio with the crutch. Swagger attacks Del Rio from behind, and both Swagger and Colter beat down Del Rio with two crutches.

The Rock enters the ring. He tells his fans he can feel the connection between them, and says Sunday will be about both the will of the people and the day The Rock will be triumphant once more. He also says he might just live here in Washington, DC, too.

Fandango shows up as Chris Jericho takes on Antonio Cesaro. He judges Jericho's moves with Dancing With The Stars-esque score cards. (I wish I was making this last part up.) The Double Axe Handle got a four and the Lionsault got a three. (I wish I was making that part up, too.) He then gets kicked for his trouble.

Chris Jericho beats Antonio Cesaro with the Walls of Jericho, and Fandango wastes no time punishing Jericho. Two refs can't stop Fandango from doing the immense amount of damage he does to Jericho.

The Bella Twins (Brie and Nikki Bella) beat The Funkadactyls (Cameron and Naomi) with a surprise roll-up.

The Undertaker shows up and enters the ring. He plans to make CM Punk suffer at WrestleMania, as winning isn't enough. Suddently, two druids come out with lit torches as a chant can be heard around the entire arena. The two druids are followed by more, and they form a line on both sides of the entrance ramp as the chant goes on in silence. Paul Bearer shows up with the urn. Wait. Wrong Paul. It's Paul Heyman dressed like Paul Bearer. 'Taker goes after him, but then realized that one of the druids could be CM Punk. He looks for Punk, but Punk still gets the jump on himn and attacks him from behind. After smacking 'Taker with the urn, CM Punk opens the urn and pours Paul Bearer's ashes all over Undertaker.