Raw Deal - Raw recap for February 25, 2013

Vince McMahon shows up in crutches, and enters the ring. He humorously calls out Paul Heyman, who tells people "You're going to see a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest." Paul tells Vince he has no chance, and as he keeps talking, he attacks Vince with a cheap shot in the leg. Vince successfully retaliates against Paul, but Brock Lesnar shows up. Brock is about to attack Vince when Triple H, of all people, shows up in T-shirt and jeans (and short hair!), and goes at it with Brock. Brock Lesnar is busted open so bad you'd swear this was a pay-per-view, and the camera moves away from the bloody half of his head as Triple H takes him down and goes after Brock with a steel chair, causing Brock to retreat. Welcome to Dallas, Texas, boys and girls!

Ryback beats Dolph Ziggler, despite the help of Big E Langston.

CM Punk shows up, and says that those in the audience will witness history...and that it's all about him in typical fashion. He then goes on to talk about how he pinned The Rock twice in four weeks and how he's "immortal."

"The World's Strongest Man" Mark Henry squashes The Great Khali.

The Miz shows up to host another exciting edition of Miz TV. Alberto Del Rio, Ricardo Rodriguez, Zeb Coulter and Jack Swagger are guests tonight. Miz cuts to the quick and lets them speak. Zeb considers Del Rio an illegal exploiting American resources, and keeps interrupting Del Rio when he speaks. Zeb says it's not about Del Rio, but what Del Rio "represents": the American Dream as achieved by a foreigner. As Zeb gets more and more disrespectful, Del Rio finally tells Zeb to shut up. He says America is great because it belongs to everybody. He dares Zeb and Swagger to do something to make them leave right now. Swagger tells Del Rio "We'll see you at WrestleMania."

Next week: Old School Raw!

Zeb Colter and Jack Swagger instigate an assault on The Miz during the break.

Randy Orton beats Antonio Cesaro with a surprise RKO.

Daniel Bryan and Kane say they can beat The Prime Time Players (Darren Young and Titus O'Neil) both blindfolded and with an arm tied behind the back, respectively. As they argue, Vickie Guerrero and Brad Maddox show up and (hilariously) make it so they have to.

Sheamus shows up in a suit. He says the Academy snubbed Wade Barrett out of an Oscar...then makes fun of Wade Barrett's appearance in the upcoming Dead Man Down. Wade Barrett shows up, chalks it all up to jealousy, then almost gets Brogue Kicked. Barrett casually flees.

The Miz and Jack Swagger have a match tonight, as per Vickie Guerrero.

Donald Trump is the Class of 2013's Celebrity Inductee! Aside from the "loser gets his hair cut" match, Donald Trump also took advantage of the 1980s "Golden Age" and hosted Wrestlemania IV and V, the first (and so far the only) time that WrestleMania was hosted in the same location for two consecutive years.

Damien Sandow guests on commentary for the next match.

R-Truth beats Cody Rhodes in his first match back...then immediately lays the smackdown on an angry Damien Sandow!

We see another YouTube clip of Zeb Colter talking...about jobs.

Despite being blindfolded and having an arm tied behind the back (respectively), Team Hell No (Daniel Bryan and Kane) beat The Prime Time Players (Darren Young and Titus O'Neil).

The Shield (Dean Ambrose, Seth Rollins, Roman Reigns) enter the ring. They put the WWE on notice: mess with us and get dropped. When Seth Rollins asks if anyone else will step up, Sheamus returns and basically tells The Shield "Come and get me." When Ambrose and Reigns go for him, Randy Orton sneaks up behind Rollins and gives him an RKO. Ambrose and Reigns lay off Sheamus.

Jack Swagger beats The Miz with the Patriot Act.

Triple H sends a Tout basically asking Brock Lesnar "What are you gonna do now?"

Josh Mathews interviews John Cena. It's now or never between John Cena and CM Punk!

John Cena retains his WWE Championship shot against The Rock in a match against CM Punk, in what is perhaps the best match so far this year.

...

*sigh*

Why was I in the bathroom when this happened?